Sunday, October 13, 2019

Stigmata


Got that "Hey, girl. You busy?" Text coming through.
It's decision time. What to do?
"Nah, not at all." Is my quick reply when really I'm stressing and crying inside. My man left the house on a real sour note.
Well not really my man but pretty much the same boat.
Or maybe it's not.
I don't know it's confusing.
And distracting.
Guess I need some amusing.
But what could she want? Is she having some problems? Is there something she needs my help with solving?
"Okay, don't be mad but I have something to tell you...." is the next part of this. Well there goes my little bit of bliss.
No more playing ignorant. Acting like it's okay. She just sent me something set to ruin my day.
Don't be mad. Don't be mad. What kind of thing is that to say?
Of course, I'm mad. I don't know any other way. What did she do that I won't be pleased with?
"Girl, you good. Just tell me what's up."
The words seem so calm but my mind is messed up. Eternities pass before I hear the ping.
"Remember those pics you took, well they ended up online. You know maybe it just happened that one time?!"
Pictures?
Online?
One time?
Well who would they be for? What could have happened?
This isn't a text, this is a phone call emergency.
Should I call 911 or should I call my girl? Who could help me better if I needed to hurl?
Homegirl blabs in my ear but it goes in and out.
Something about the stigmas that society throws about.
The parts about moms not being naked or the sin of your body that you're born with.
The hell that comes from wanting others to see you or maybe love you or want you.
The confusion from never being taught properly before being allowed to take charge.
Or maybe it's only a problem because I didn't charge.
Maybe I should have had a price tag attached to my picture.
Is it better or worst when it pays my bills?!
I roll my eyes a couple of times. Dusting away these societal lines. It is what it is if it's already online.
Oh well, let's see if it blows my mind.
"Pictures? Let me see."
I eagerly await what she has to send me. Is my life ruined? Does it end at dawn?
Do I even care? "Wait, hold on."
But it's too late. My phone already pings.
Let's see the shame that this picture brings.
Society sucks I don't even care. Maybe I was just in my underwear. Or maybe I was naked. That happens sometimes. It's actually quiet a sight. Truly sublime. Maybe I wanted to share with another human. Maybe life happens but it's come back to haunt me. Let's see how bad.
It truly makes me a little sad.
To question everything I've ever done.
Everything under the sun. Before I ever gave birth to one. It is what it is. Let me just see the damage.
Hopefully, it's not too anticlimactic.
I stare for a few.
Turn my phone upside down and for the first time my smile turns upside down.
I open my mouth to say one more thing.
"Hmmm....that ain't even me."

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