Thursday, October 15, 2020

T&E Thursday part πŸ’¬

 πŸ₯΄πŸ₯΄ Let's just say the 1st 2 weeks were anomalies....πŸ€”πŸ€” or maybe this week is the anomaly because I have NOT been on it. Idk what happened but the time shifted on me. 

Between not keeping with my regular fasting hours ((I try intermittently fast from 8pm to 11am daily)) and homeschooling, working, writing my books and blog, eating, sleeping, trying to have fun, going through 2 different online courses, and numerous 1 off tasks that I'm sure I failed to remember, my days have gotten shorter and shorter. I literally need a nap as I type this πŸ˜­πŸ˜­πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

It wasn't a complete flake. I did manage to get about 3 good workouts in this week. I also have been able to maintain some of the progress. And I am still proud of myself 😍😍😍πŸ’ͺ🏾πŸ’ͺ🏾 ((pics below))πŸ‘‡πŸΎπŸ‘‡πŸΎ





Friday, October 9, 2020

What grinds my gears

 I always wondered whyyyyy it's okay to refer to grown women as girl but it's the ultimate disrespect to men when they're called boys. 

What is it about grown women that doesn't warrant respect or growth or equality in the adult realm?! Why is that even something that women are okay with?! We work hard as mothers, wives, sisters, etc yet we're never recognized as grown, not even in our own minds.....just needed to get that off my chest. 

Thursday, October 8, 2020

T&E Thursday: Week ✌🏾

 Well, surprise, surprise. It's time for my 2nd update on how my workout sessions have been going πŸ‹πŸΎ‍♀️πŸ‹πŸΎ‍♀️πŸ‹πŸΎ‍♀️🀸🏾‍♀️🀸🏾‍♀️🧘🏾‍♀️🧘🏾‍♀️. Let's just say I have 🀯🀯🀯 blown my own mind. 


I've actually been working out CONSISTENTLY. I follow the schedule daily. It's been a really pumped up successful and productive week. 


Okay, soo here are the exercises that I do:



I don't actually do the squats because I don't really like them but I use the number and do that number of donkey kicks on each leg. 


I actually do the crunches exactly as the picture dictates. I used to do 200 crunches a day && I loved my results soo i decided to keep these as is. 

I am not a fan of planks soo I replaced the regular planks with lunges. I also replaced the side planks with standing oblique twists since I want to work on my love handles. I also replaced the crunches with a bridge exercise using the number as the amount of seconds I hold the bridge position. I do the bicycle because I do enjoy that exercise. 😊


I stare at these exercises because I want to muster up the strength to do them but I usually find myself unmotivated whenever I look at this list. I will admit this is an amazing list and it's full of great exercises that will help you get into shape πŸ’ͺ🏾πŸ’ͺ🏾πŸ’ͺ🏾

Soooo drum roll pleaseπŸ₯πŸ₯πŸ₯........here are my results this week ((from here on out I will try to wear the same pants for my pictures && please don't mind my face....or my bathroom)):














Thursday, October 1, 2020

Trial && Error Thursday: week 1

 Soo I figure with all this free time. I could commit to something ((preferably something to benefit my life)) when I'm not writing πŸ₯΄πŸ₯΄.....for this month I'm going to go ahead && WORKOUT πŸ‹πŸΎ‍♀️🀸🏾‍♀️πŸ‹πŸΎ‍♀️🧘🏾‍♀️ ((wish me luck πŸ˜‰πŸ˜‰)). I wanted to see if these monthly fitness challenges work....or are they just click bait?!

Should be a piece of cake, right?! I mean I did do 6 years in the military. Running 12 miles at least once a week for 4 of those years. Training in the mud. Sleeping in the field. Building our own tents. Rucking 16+ miles in boots. What's a little workout in the living room.....well, 2 pregnancies && a preschooler later, an actual piece of cake sounds MUCHHHHHHH better than the workout. πŸ€”πŸ€”πŸ€” 

Okayyyy, fineeeee. I'll work out. I spent enough time body shaming my mombod since somewhere between the beginning of toddler stages to now. It's time I get back to what I was when I first gave birth. I lost all the weight. Felt amazing. Dressed AMAZING and was soo full of love for my self. 

Here's some before pics && literally taken the same day but that yoga pants roll down tells a wholeeeee different story. I  don't know my actual weight because I am interested in losing inches and shaping instead of losing the numbers on the scale. In case my πŸ“Έ aren't obvious, I'm sooooo focused on my stomachand back area. Wish me luck, you guys!!πŸ™πŸΎπŸ™πŸΎπŸ™πŸΎ






Monday, September 28, 2020

It's MONDAY!!

It's Monday... I'm excited. Monday is like the most motivational day for me. It's the start of the work week, school week, I'm rested after Sunday, and I'm definitely going to be reading a book later today πŸ™ŒπŸΎπŸ™ŒπŸΎπŸ™ŒπŸΎ  

What is there not to be excited about?!

Now that we mentioned how motivating Mondays are ((because I seriously LOVE Mondays 😍😍)), I figured I'd talk about what motivated me to start this blog. I was searching for peace and once I found it, I became determined to share it. 

With anyone.

With EVERYONE!

I feel like peace should be for all. Peace within. Peace without. Peace among. Peace for all. I also wanted to clear up the misconceptions on peace. It's not absence of bad days or negative energy, things, thoughts, or vibes. It's not happy all the time. It's not "positive vibes only✌🏾". 

It's keeping calm during a toddler melt down. It's valuing your safety after a fender bender that made you late. It's enjoyed the ride after you drove 30 mins only to find the establishment is closed. It's the calm in the storm. It's the gratitude in the moment. It's living IN THE MOMENT. 

It's stillness. 

It's a hug from the wind. 

Kisses from the cold raindrops. 

It's a laugh in the middle of crying because all of the emotions need to be felt and released and expressed. Not suppressed. 

I also wanted to build the village back. 

Have unity again.

Community again. 

I feel like that comes from candid conversations. Open dialogue. Releasing the idea of "taboo". It's just me and you saying what needs to be said. Hearing what needs to be heard. Doing what needs to be done. And healing what needs to be healed. 

***I don't discriminate but as a black woman raising a black man, my focus is the black community. If other communities feel inspired by me then so be it, we all deserve peace.****

And on that note, I'm out ✌🏾✌🏾🎀((mic drop))

Tuesday, September 22, 2020

Tuesday Truths πŸ˜‰

 Soo I posted on IG about a poem that really resonated with me when I read it. It's from Songs of a Butterfly by Deanna Hill ((shameless plug, it's available on Amazon)) && I'm going to make my Tuesday Truth conversation about it. 

"My favorite place to be
Anywhere
With your arms around me"

If that isn't the realest thing ever. 
Like EVER. 
AS a woman in love, I feel that. 
As a mom, I feel that. 
As a daughter, friend, etc., I feel that. Even at my lowest, loneliest point in life, I felt that. I mean isn't that basic human instinct?! Sometimes we get forced into situations where survival instincts become all we know but even then we long for a safe haven. A comfort zone. A moment of rest.....of love......of peace. A moment where life isn't scary and things are okay. Even if it's just for a moment.....

Wednesday, September 16, 2020

Birthday surprises

 Being that my birthday was on a Sunday, this is my BIRTHDAY WEEK!!! It's only right that I celebrate that with everyone by SHARING MY BOOK!! 🀯🀯🀯🀯


Interstellar is currently available on Amazon for FREE until September16th!!!πŸŽ‰πŸŽ‰πŸŽ‰πŸŽ‰ That's right, FREE TODAY!! I do it because I love all of my readers and supporters. 😁😁😁😁 Head on over to Amazon and grab you a copy now!! INTERSTELLAR AVAILABLE at Www.amazon.com/author/ashleymark13 the link can also be found in the Meadow's Marks area of this blog. ❤



Sunday, September 13, 2020

Solar return 32.5

 This kid of mine is so divine

And sublime 

And all that good stuff

But the part that really has me is the time you asked me to hug you as tight as I can.

Laying in bed, your little eyes twinkling, fighting back yawns and dreams, you ask me if I'm gonna hug you like this forever 

My heart melts at the thought. 

If I could I would. 

I've always dreamed of a love that never ended. Never broken. 

Never deterred or soiled. 

Always true and I found that with you. 

But what you don't know, kid, is that even though you see forever with me, that can't be. 

As you grow up, you leave like a baby bird's first time out the tree. 

You're gonna soar high, higher than me to your reason for being, just like me. 

I'm soo glad for you, kid, I really am. 

That love waiting for you is even deeper than the one you have for me. 

One day you'll see.
And then that kid will wanna spend forever with me too.... 


Thursday, September 10, 2020

Allow me to reintroduce myself, my name is.....



In the spirit of the fast approaching ((in other words, already here)) birthday season && new beginnings in my life, it's only right that it spills over onto my blog. πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ Allow me to start over. && I believe I should start with an introduction.
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Welcome to my blog page && thank you for reading my posts. 😁😁😁Kinda like my virtual diary, but it's all good, right?! I mean I CHOSE to share it.πŸ₯΄πŸ₯΄πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚
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I am Meadow Diaz, an author, blogger, mama, and soon to be LIFE COACH (( insert surprise🀯🀯 && applause πŸ‘πŸΎπŸ‘πŸΎhere )). I'm a fun loving, life living, proverbial free spirit that somehow follows soo many rules ((don't ask me how it's possible, just believe me when I say it)).....and apparently I'm always laughing ((these pictures say more than 1000 words about my laughter πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚)). Oh, and I'm on this longgggg journey of SELF love. It's pretty dope. Made it all the way to crop tops....in the house 🀷🏾‍♀️🀷🏾‍♀️🀷🏾‍♀️ I'm a work in progress. The best part is I actually shared my crop top game with the WORLD😏😏😏 Go Me!!((insert fist pump))
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I created this page to bring the person behind the books to light. I mean seriously, who doesn't want to know the author behind the words, right?! πŸ₯°πŸ₯° Thank you for all the love and support of my books. I appreciate all of my readers/followers. Have a great day, everyone......#namaste #peace #selflove❤ 

Tuesday, August 18, 2020

Youtube interview

Because gratitude is soo necessary and I will always be grateful for chances to be greater ❤❤ please, please go on over and follow Consuela MeAnn. Check out her YouTube channel. Watch my author interview and last but not least, purchase my books. You won't be disappointed. πŸ₯°πŸ₯°πŸ₯°πŸ₯°

Tell Your Story interview


I appreciate all of the support. 

The love. 

The likes. 

The comments. 

The views. 

I am grateful!

Tuesday, August 11, 2020

Just.....because 😊

 Because it's been a while and I haven't given my blog the love that it deserves. It's supposed to flourish in the same manner as all of my other writing outlets. It's like a journal....but online.....in public.....for the world to see and feel and touch ((with their eyes)). Just wanted to touchbase and leave a note. 

I hope everyone is alright out there. Staying strong and holding on in this pandemic. This storm that has taken the world by surprise. 

I started today with some affirmations.....and then some more came to mind during this check in. Soo here goes:

I am strong. 

I am present. 

I am here. 

I am in the moment.

I am experiencing it all while remembering that this too shall pass, "good or bad".

Today is a good day. 

Today is my day. 

I learn from my mistakes. 

Feel great and live well, everyone. Today is your day too!!πŸ‘‹πŸΎπŸ‘‹πŸΎπŸ‘‹πŸΎ

Monday, July 20, 2020

Style, please

Because when you look good, you feel good!
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πŸ™ŒπŸΎπŸ™ŒπŸΎπŸ™ŒπŸΎ
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Me and my friends have this conversation quite often. We uplift each other with words and speak straight to each other's spirits but at the end of the conversation, we make sure to account for what we've done for ourselves!!
______
πŸ₯°πŸ₯°πŸ₯°
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In an effort to maximize my self love efforts, I did a whole wardrobe do over. My closet was full of clothes that I either liked but never really wore, bought because one day I would be the right body size to fit in it, or I bought it because I wanted the courage to change my style but never actually went through with it. The end result of years of shopping was a closet full of things that weren't "ME". πŸ₯΄πŸ˜£πŸ˜ž πŸ§₯πŸ§¦πŸ‘—πŸ‘šπŸ‘™ Piece by piece, I changed that. When I bought a new shirt, I found an old one that had to go. If it didn't fit "ME" today, I got rid of it. I noticed that the clothes on my body felt increasing more comfortable as I increased my love for the "style" I'm in. 😍😍 Getting dressed is a must for me most days ((some days, comfort is all that matters, like today when I'm in yoga pants and a tank prepped for the yoga I did NOT do this morning πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚)) because I know that if I start the day putting effort into my self, I remember my value throughout the day. I appreciate my value. I invested in my self from the very beginning of my day. It stems into the rest of my choices. I make conscious decisions to eat better, choose my words better, sleep better, laugh more, love more, live well!! It's a ripple effect on the rest of my day every time I start it by taking time to make sure I look as good as I feel and vice versa. I was faking it when the journey first began but day to day it becomes more true. More effortless. When you look good, you feel good and no matter how good I look, I always feel better than I look 😊😊

Sunday, July 12, 2020

Unity

Marriage is about committing to growth. People tend to commit to who the person is at the time without allotting room for change......just sharing my thoughts. I'd like to think I know something about marriage considering it's something I want.
Considering it's something I did before....for all the wrong reasons. But that's just it. Next time will have to be right. Because I've done it wrong so many times.
Relationship after relationship down the drain. Time I'll never get back but of course it's all with a smile. It's like cutting all your hair off for a fresh start.
Next time I'll have more experience. Next time I'll have more understanding. Next time I'll be patient.
Patiently waiting.....but there really is no such thing as wrong. There's just either you tried or you didn't. I didn't try before.
I ran.
I cowered.
I hid.
I pretended.
Fake smiles.
Forced happiness.
Shrunken personalities.
Everything except a good ol' try.
Everything except showing my real self.
There's no wrong. There's only a wrong time. It wasn't a waste. It was just too early for one of us. Patience is a virtue that you can't have when you're rushing. I wanted you as you are....and then were because time passed but we didn't grow.
Now we can't go.....any farther that this. There's no such thing as bliss. There is realness and acceptance of where we are and where we want to be. Is it there trust?! Are we free to be whoever we want to be?! Is this big enough for you and me?!
I thought I wanted marriage but this sounds more like unity.
No bondage.
I just want to be free.
I just want to be me....with you!

Wednesday, July 8, 2020

John Wick

You... uh..."working" again?

John Wick:
No, just sorting some stuff out.


Except.....I am working again. Working harder than ever. In more ways than I expected. I'm still trying to figure out where I found the time but I don't dwell on it because I am BEYOND grateful that I found the time.

Found the time to meditate daily.
Found the time to say my affirmations daily.

Found the time to write BOOK NUMBER 3 ((shameless plug😏😏)).

Found the time to manage 3 IG accounts && continue to share the rawest pieces of me, little by little.
Found the time to raise my child.

Found the time to live life with him. Appreciate the sun and fun with him.
Found the time to have mommy friends.
Found the time for playdates and health and sleep.

Found the time to eat ((because moms rarely have that)).

I even found time to myself.

This post was for gratitude and reflection and a moment to pat myself on the back and give myself a hug.
I found the time to find balance and that was my greatest achievement of all.

I listen to my self and my body.

I hear the cues for tired, emotional, unhealthy, anxiety ((which has been on high lately)), stressed, projecting, and taking on feelings or behaviors that aren't my own.

Breaks happen often. Sometimes days pass without me "working" again but I hear the cues when it's time to get the ball rolling.

I found the key. I realized that balance isn't a lack of down days or a constant happiness or high. It's going with the flow. Embracing the ups and the downs while not letting either one last long enough to burn me out or kill my creativity or make me forget to focus.

I found my flow. Like any other flow, there are some moments when it's free flowing like the ocean or wild like the Rapids or slow like a small creek or blocked like a dam is in the way.

Each day I appreciate the flow as it is.
Patience.
That is key.πŸ’–

Monday, June 29, 2020

The Fountain of Youth

Because sometimes I think I'm too young for "crow's feet" πŸ€”πŸ€”but then I remember that  I have a 4 year old && I usually look tired because  I stay up late trying to work on my personal/professional goals ((or occasionally catch up on a show that I can't watch when @just.jamelw is awake)). 😊😊😊 31 with "crow's feet" is just fine with me. I'm completely okay with having it show that I could use a nap after I've spent the whole day living it up. This set comes from an impromptu roadtrip to soak up some rays while cleansing in the sea. My spirit was in need of a trip to the water. 😏😏😏 I can rest tomorrow!!! #livingmybestlife #crowsfeet #improturoadtrips #HiltonheadIsland #nofilter

Monday, June 22, 2020

Growth Management

Because one of the hardest things I've ever experienced is the healthy relationship after the toxic one.
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πŸ₯΄πŸ₯΄πŸ₯΄
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In a perfect world, there wouldn't be a toxic relationship.....but in the one I exist in, there's been many. Soo many terrible relationships to taint my view. πŸ€”πŸ€”πŸ€” All in all, I wouldn't change a thing for the world. I wouldn't change the butterflies or the faux love or the expectations or the broken promises because that woke me up.
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😊😊😊
______
When I met the man who inspired me to continue to bring forth the peace within, I had to take a hard look at myself. I had to see who I really was, flaws and all. I had to explore strengths and weaknesses I didn't even know I had. I found a beauty in me that I couldn't see until I laid eyes on this man. The healthy relationship comes with introspection and a mirror that will pick you apart faster than some women can pick apart their bodies. But it also comes with an abundance of love, calm, and relief, even on the difficult days. It comes with understanding and communication. And disagreements. And growth. And reality, LOADS of reality that ends with a fairytale because once you find a healthy balance that promotes growth for both, you've found PERFECTION!!! #blacklove #blackcouplesmatter #blackcouples #blacklovematters

Friday, June 19, 2020

Vacations....

So my baby boy is on a trip and every break I get is considered a vacation in my eyes.....Of course I don't give my self the whole break that I should. I relax. I sleep. I eat well. Shower good. Do my hair. Take care of me. Rest my brain and my body......but I still think on some things.

I think about the future. The moments when he'll be taller than me. When he won't be my little man anymore. He'll have friends, more than he does now. He'll have a phone. A car. Places to go. People to see. A girlfriend. A wife. A house. A life. Health. Happiness. Prosperity. Everything I want for him.

Those are mostly happy thoughts for me. It's slightly sad when I remember he'll never be my baby again. Never fit in my lap again. Or my arms. Or my belly. But I appreciate it all the same.

These thoughts lead me to appreciate the parent I am able to be just that much more. It also makes me appreciate the parents whose children need extra care, love, and attention. Who lose sleep plenty of nights worry for their children, taking care of their children, working for their children. Parents are real life superheros. Your children definitely see your superpowers. I'm grateful for you all to be in this world. I'm grateful for this moment of reflection so close to father's day. Have a safe, happy weekend everyone!!❤πŸ₯°

Tuesday, May 26, 2020

Queen Lee

The act of being fit for a queen.
The Queen.
The most important player one the team.
Taking hits to protect the kingdom.
Moving in every direction.
Setting of in any path she wants.
Claiming her birthright.
Making sure all is right.
The act of being fit for a queen.

Queenly.
Queen Lee

Tuesday, May 12, 2020

Pandemic reflections

I sit around thinking allllllll day long about the things I'd like to do. Listing them out like the very OCD individual that I am.

  • Write
  • Read
  • Clean
  • Posts pics
  • Take pics 
  • Quality time with my family 
  • Homeschool 
  • Eat
  • Sleep
Sleep being the most optional one πŸ₯΄πŸ₯΄.....but of course I am getting enough sleep to function.....and quality time pauses my writing. Take this blog post for instance....I'm already on my 3rd "break" from writing to help my darling boy with things, like hugs and kisses or just to sit with him 😊😊. 

I came into this "quarantine" with the thought that I would be super productive and accomplish......πŸ•πŸ•‘πŸ•œπŸ•£okay, I'm back. Only took a 5 hour "break" 🀦🏾‍♀️🀦🏾‍♀️ As I was saying. Thought I would be super productive and accomplish everything on my list and more.

In all honesty, I've only now been able to get a handle on things. Even though it's been a dream of mine, homeschooling out of the blue kicked my butt. My son adapted quickly but I didn't. My dream of being a teacher quickly faded at age 10 when I didn't have the patience to "teach" the neighborhood children on my toy chalkboard. Of course, that couldn't have been accurate. I mean, I was only a child myself. I had to give it another try.

Age 18, a whole year into college ((insert student loan debt)) and teaching was NOT for me. 😱😱 But here I am at 31, teaching a preschooler who remembers more than I do about school. It's like:
Me: "Hey, honey. Wanna learn about fiction writing?! IG posts?! Something I'm actually good at?!"
((Blank stare for a few seconds))
Jamel: "Mom, I want to learn about the planets?! Why did they kick pluto out of the solar system?!
((Another blank stare from me at 31 NOT knowing when Pluto got kicked out but now knowing that we are mad at the scientists who kicked Pluto out since all Pluto ever wanted was to be a planet))
Me: "Okayyyy."
Of course, I spent a few late nights trying to create a curriculum that was educational, fun, challenging enough, and not frustrating for mommy AND child.

That alone took up all the productive energy I could muster up during this epidemic. I feel very accomplished but that definitely wasn't all that I planned to do during this time. Introspection has been front and center during this time as well. Taking up the rest of my energy period. How productive can one be when every day feels like Mercury retrograde, right?!

Exercise has gone on hiatus. I've finally weaned myself off the "quarantine" snacks ((although, I almost bought oreos to make deep fried oreos today. I think I miss carnivals the most 😭😭, especially funnel cakes but I can't make those)). I have been meditating and slowly building the energy back up. One thing I've realized is it's okay to not be "productive" during all of this. I mean the world is pretty much on pause for the first time in like EVER. It's okay not to know how to deal with that. I do know that it is okay to define productivity for YOUR situation. Hitting your personal goals are all that matter. My goal for today was to finish this post and I think I'm finally done.....guess it's time to create a plan for myself now. ❤

Toothbrushes

Early morning antics give me time to sit back and look at this ball of light that I've created.
Energy moving soo fast that the time past.
I'm wondering where it all went.
My memories flood back.
I remember that it went to the winter, and the fall, and the spring, and the summer before that.
The one where I taught you how to act and walk and talk.
I watched you smile and sleep.
Now you're out here teaching me about the shapes, the colors, the stars and the moon.
How to soar.
How to just be more.
How to stand tall in my purpose, even when I'm a little nervous.
I love you more than you could imagine.
The greatest being that ever happened.
Every day with you is special.
Every day takes the cake.
Every day feels like Mother's Day!!!
πŸŒ»πŸ’™πŸŒ»

Thursday, April 9, 2020

Unknown

There's always more that I wish I knew
Or do or did or want or need.....
But in the end, the sands run out
No matter how much you've accomplished
Or didn't....
The only thing that last forever is the unknown.
I wonder what that's like.....

Sunday, April 5, 2020

When lockdown starts to drive you mad......

Quarantine, Quarantine
Please go away.
Quarantine, Quarantine
You cannot stay.
Quarantine, Quarantine,
Quarantine, Quarantine,
Quarantine,Quarantine
Please go away!!!!
🀯🀯🀯

Tuesday, March 17, 2020

Reflection

Because I didn't appreciate my time in the outside world until they told me to stay home
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😫😫😫
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This "shutdown" has brought about a time of reflection. I have been looking at my goals and future plans. I already identified some things that I need to change but most importantly, I have appreciated the things I have already accomplished. The greatest part of this is the time I get to spend with my family πŸ’œ
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πŸ₯°πŸ₯°πŸ₯°
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Ik this may be a trying to time for some but stress lowers the immune system. Now is the time for community and leaning on one another. This too shall pass && we'll need unity more than ever πŸ™ŒπŸΎπŸ™ŒπŸΎπŸ™ŒπŸΎ #staysafe #washyourhands #eatwell #meditate #stressless #BeHAPPY

Saturday, March 7, 2020

Free write

I never take the time to "free write" on here, which is weird since that was my reasoning behind creating my blog. I have had so many things occur in 2020 already. From several deaths to loss of friendship/camaraderie to loss of jobs to loss of self (temporarily). The curve balls thrown at me made it very clear that I am not in the space where I thought I was. I am not at the level of strength that I portrayed. I am not as put together as I planned to be. I realized I haven't allowed myself to grieve or deal or just be. I wasn't accepting of any of the things I experienced. I wasn't learning any lessons. I just existed. Just went with the flow like a leaf in the air. Landing wherever. Most of the time it felt like I was perched on top of the highest point of the highest building in the world. Or maybe right on the edge of the highest cliff in the mountains. On a low day, it felt like I was being trampled on by every late commuter on their way to work. Ignoring the beauty of the changing autumn leaves laying effortlessly on the ground in the most amazing array of colors. I felt like the weather, cold and bitter one day, hot and blistering the next.

**sigh**

I say all that to say, today, I sat down and evaluated my self to see just what was going on with me. I learned so much that I didn't give myself credit for.
I learned:

  1. It is perfectly fine, and dare I say "normal" to have all of those feelings. I even sunk as low as to question my mothering because of other people and that is okay too. Life is rough. Things get hard and as humans, we will experience a wide array of emotions. The key is to KEEP PUSHING! You cannot exist in a negative state of being 24/7.
  2.  Just how much I am NEVER alone....I mean PHYSICALLY alone. I realized that every hour or minute or second that I am awake, I am with someone else. I slowly felt my ability to think clearly slipping away. Everyone in my house had time to themselves. Even my toddler made time for himself to be alone and here I was, not following suit. After spending what should have been a great Friday evening with a funky attitude, I immediately owned up to my problem. Mama needs a break and I will be getting one, starting tomorrow!!! (Self-care day with some wonderful ladies, not exactly alone time but it is a break from having to think or take care of a human being.))
  3. How I was stunting my growth. I spent quite a great deal of time trying not to think or feel that I stopped my forward progression. I wasn't thinking about anything that required concentration. That meant no blog posts, book writing, exercising, nothing. Nothing that helped me meet my goals. I sat down this morning to redo my budget. I had a bad habit of allowing overspending to be a bad coping mechanism and I am working diligently to break that habit. Assessing my budget this morning let me know that my path to FINANCIAL FREEDOM ((insert bugle-horn here)) is still on track and I am overly excited. My brain has been bursting with ideas since, hence this post to more than likely overshare, and I am ready to get back to it. 
It was a tough 2 months ((feeling more like a whole year)) but I am not allowing that to break me. I had to feel what was going on. Be alive in the experience. Flow with the emotions. I am here. I am smiling. I am doing more than surviving. I am thriving and I hope you all are too!!! Remember, all rainstorms end and the sun will shine again!!! Love*and* Light to you!

Tuesday, February 18, 2020

To say

Because the fact that I did this almost 10 years ago to the day did nothing to prepare me for this time around. No amount of time and experience makes grieving any easier but it does help to have loved onea by your side while you're going through it. 10 years ago, I was numb. 4 years ago, I completely broke down and could barely take care of myself. This time gave me strength and balance. The ability to express my feelings AND still push through.....now that I've read this to him, I can post it about him.
______
πŸ’™πŸ‡ΉπŸ‡ΉπŸ’™
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When I met him, he was about 52 years old with a full face and brown eyes. His hair always neatly cut. Who would have known it'd be love at first sight, although I'm not sure which one of us felt it first. Over the years, we grew together. We didn't spend a great deal of time together but I can't think of a time when he wasn't there or near or close or around. The man I knew never said much to me but he always smiled and said he loved me at least once every time we talked. 30 years later, I cant say I know him much better but I know I love him a little more and more each day. Especially due to the way he loves my child. Never saying no when I needed a moment to myself even though we knew he wasn't going to be the one babysitting but just hearing "put him right here " as he pats the space in the bed. And I smile from ear to ear because that's just what I want to hear. And my baby coos. And time goes on. And things change. And my child grows from a cooing baby to a curious child and none of that matters because you love him all the while and I wonder if you knew. But maybe you do. I realized there was still soo much to do. Soo much I never knew. Like what's your favorite color....or food....or place. What do you wish you could have done? What's your favorite thing about this world? Did I make you proud?! Are there things you'd want to change?! Even without all those answers, my words are still the same. Thanks for being the best Grandpa and Papa you could be. I love you, Neville and I'll never forget you because I know you never forgot me.....😘

Tuesday, February 11, 2020

N.M.

What better way to immortalize you than to put you in the digital sky.
Floating on a cloud, a trillion gigabytes away.....
Or maybe you're only one kilobyte away and I don't know it.
I can't see you because it won't load it.
I release you to the cloud because you deserve to be with the highest.....
Gone but never forgotten.
Memories filled with love and warm hugs and cocoa puffs and smiles and tears of joy.
And fluff and all kinds of happy stuff.
All the things that clouds are made of, that's what you are now.
I love you and I release you to the cloud.

Monday, February 3, 2020

Walls

He said "I don't care about that. I'd like to help you break the wall down."
I smiled.
Yea I'd like to let someone in.
I think that'd be nice.
I tried that before.
I'm single now soo we see how that went.
But it's not insecurity.
It's security.
Surety.
I know what i want.
What I deserve.
I treat me the way I deserve to be treated.
My walls have windows for my light to shine through.
Don't come with shades.
I'm liable to still blind you.
I don't dim my light for others.
There's no growth in that.
But if you've come to plant, I can help you with that.
Your seeds will flourish and grow in my yard.
And maybe one day, these walls will come down.
To make room for the garden we've built all around.

Wednesday, January 29, 2020

Justice......or love?!

Justice and love are really good friends.
Justice protects love.
Justice wins again.
But justice hurt love, what a crazy plot twist.
Justice and love cannot coexist.
Justice comes with an eye for an eye.
How do you love someone after you made them cry?
Do you help learn to live with the eye they have left?
Do you make them see why they had to lose an eye?
Do they know why they paid? Why you made them cry?
Justice, oh justice is a cruel, cruel friend but maybe, just maybe, they're one that loves you to the end.
How can love live in a world so objective?
A world where our friendship doesn't exist once wrong is involved.
Forget all the times that I helped you evolve.
Or you helped me when I was down and out.
Sick and mucking about.
The times when I helped you deliver your baby.
Or bury your family.
Justice is justice and nothing else.
Justice takes your arm when the time comes....

Justice and love will never be one.

Saturday, January 18, 2020

Motivation

The only one who can change your reality is YOU! When you get close to the edge of your comfort zone, push a little bit farther. You'll see the difference in the morning. πŸ‘ŒπŸΎπŸ‘ŒπŸΎ❤❤

Saturday, January 11, 2020

Family night/date night

Because family nights can double as date nights.....okay, soo lemme set the scene. It was new year's day around 11am. I could feel the energy in the house draining. The dreary weather didn't help either. That it's not raining but it looks eerily wet outside. Damp enough to feel the rain spirit. Muggy enough to be like is it going to rain?! Maybe the rain will start as soon as I get outside....anywho, it was that kind of day. I immediately jumped on my phone. The pressure was on. Can mom/bae save the day?! Will I be able to successfully juggle all the hats that I wear ((Not to mention, my dad is with us soo I'm wearing my daughter hat too && my adventurous/author hat as well πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚))?! Here comes Kate's skating rink to the rescue. Everyone can go skating and relive childhood memories, while creating new ones for my little one. I called a family meeting to discuss how superman....I mean supermom 🦸🏾‍♀️ came to the rescue.....the end result being I got EVERYONE out of the house to have a good time skating AND got one on one time with my babe. That's a success in my book. Our little home has been blessed with wonderful memories once more and a dull day has been defeated.

😊😊 What are some of your date night/family nightout activities?! πŸ€”πŸ€”

Saturday, January 4, 2020

See

To the world you looked soo strong
But to me, see I saw how vulnerable you could be
I saw the times when your light didn't shine
And you limped just a little
The crack in each smile
The tear in the corner or your eye
I saw each line that appeared the more weary you grew
The weight you lost and gained and all the times you looked the same
I saw the opportunities you passed up
And heard the prayers you said for good luck
You asked for one thing over and over
And here I came, the answer to your prayers
The one thing you want the most
When the world saw a legend, the beginning of an empire, the birth of a nation, an unsurpassable amount of strength, I gave you what you needed.
I just saw you.....

T&E Thursday part πŸ’¬

 πŸ₯΄πŸ₯΄ Let's just say the 1st 2 weeks were anomalies....πŸ€”πŸ€” or maybe this week is the anomaly because I have NOT been on it. Idk what ha...