Tuesday, February 18, 2020

To say

Because the fact that I did this almost 10 years ago to the day did nothing to prepare me for this time around. No amount of time and experience makes grieving any easier but it does help to have loved onea by your side while you're going through it. 10 years ago, I was numb. 4 years ago, I completely broke down and could barely take care of myself. This time gave me strength and balance. The ability to express my feelings AND still push through.....now that I've read this to him, I can post it about him.
When I met him, he was about 52 years old with a full face and brown eyes. His hair always neatly cut. Who would have known it'd be love at first sight, although I'm not sure which one of us felt it first. Over the years, we grew together. We didn't spend a great deal of time together but I can't think of a time when he wasn't there or near or close or around. The man I knew never said much to me but he always smiled and said he loved me at least once every time we talked. 30 years later, I cant say I know him much better but I know I love him a little more and more each day. Especially due to the way he loves my child. Never saying no when I needed a moment to myself even though we knew he wasn't going to be the one babysitting but just hearing "put him right here " as he pats the space in the bed. And I smile from ear to ear because that's just what I want to hear. And my baby coos. And time goes on. And things change. And my child grows from a cooing baby to a curious child and none of that matters because you love him all the while and I wonder if you knew. But maybe you do. I realized there was still soo much to do. Soo much I never knew. Like what's your favorite color....or food....or place. What do you wish you could have done? What's your favorite thing about this world? Did I make you proud?! Are there things you'd want to change?! Even without all those answers, my words are still the same. Thanks for being the best Grandpa and Papa you could be. I love you, Neville and I'll never forget you because I know you never forgot me.....😘

Tuesday, February 11, 2020


What better way to immortalize you than to put you in the digital sky.
Floating on a cloud, a trillion gigabytes away.....
Or maybe you're only one kilobyte away and I don't know it.
I can't see you because it won't load it.
I release you to the cloud because you deserve to be with the highest.....
Gone but never forgotten.
Memories filled with love and warm hugs and cocoa puffs and smiles and tears of joy.
And fluff and all kinds of happy stuff.
All the things that clouds are made of, that's what you are now.
I love you and I release you to the cloud.

Monday, February 3, 2020


He said "I don't care about that. I'd like to help you break the wall down."
I smiled.
Yea I'd like to let someone in.
I think that'd be nice.
I tried that before.
I'm single now soo we see how that went.
But it's not insecurity.
It's security.
I know what i want.
What I deserve.
I treat me the way I deserve to be treated.
My walls have windows for my light to shine through.
Don't come with shades.
I'm liable to still blind you.
I don't dim my light for others.
There's no growth in that.
But if you've come to plant, I can help you with that.
Your seeds will flourish and grow in my yard.
And maybe one day, these walls will come down.
To make room for the garden we've built all around.

T&E Thursday part 💬

 🥴🥴 Let's just say the 1st 2 weeks were anomalies....🤔🤔 or maybe this week is the anomaly because I have NOT been on it. Idk what ha...