Saturday, March 7, 2020

Free write

I never take the time to "free write" on here, which is weird since that was my reasoning behind creating my blog. I have had so many things occur in 2020 already. From several deaths to loss of friendship/camaraderie to loss of jobs to loss of self (temporarily). The curve balls thrown at me made it very clear that I am not in the space where I thought I was. I am not at the level of strength that I portrayed. I am not as put together as I planned to be. I realized I haven't allowed myself to grieve or deal or just be. I wasn't accepting of any of the things I experienced. I wasn't learning any lessons. I just existed. Just went with the flow like a leaf in the air. Landing wherever. Most of the time it felt like I was perched on top of the highest point of the highest building in the world. Or maybe right on the edge of the highest cliff in the mountains. On a low day, it felt like I was being trampled on by every late commuter on their way to work. Ignoring the beauty of the changing autumn leaves laying effortlessly on the ground in the most amazing array of colors. I felt like the weather, cold and bitter one day, hot and blistering the next.

**sigh**

I say all that to say, today, I sat down and evaluated my self to see just what was going on with me. I learned so much that I didn't give myself credit for.
I learned:

  1. It is perfectly fine, and dare I say "normal" to have all of those feelings. I even sunk as low as to question my mothering because of other people and that is okay too. Life is rough. Things get hard and as humans, we will experience a wide array of emotions. The key is to KEEP PUSHING! You cannot exist in a negative state of being 24/7.
  2.  Just how much I am NEVER alone....I mean PHYSICALLY alone. I realized that every hour or minute or second that I am awake, I am with someone else. I slowly felt my ability to think clearly slipping away. Everyone in my house had time to themselves. Even my toddler made time for himself to be alone and here I was, not following suit. After spending what should have been a great Friday evening with a funky attitude, I immediately owned up to my problem. Mama needs a break and I will be getting one, starting tomorrow!!! (Self-care day with some wonderful ladies, not exactly alone time but it is a break from having to think or take care of a human being.))
  3. How I was stunting my growth. I spent quite a great deal of time trying not to think or feel that I stopped my forward progression. I wasn't thinking about anything that required concentration. That meant no blog posts, book writing, exercising, nothing. Nothing that helped me meet my goals. I sat down this morning to redo my budget. I had a bad habit of allowing overspending to be a bad coping mechanism and I am working diligently to break that habit. Assessing my budget this morning let me know that my path to FINANCIAL FREEDOM ((insert bugle-horn here)) is still on track and I am overly excited. My brain has been bursting with ideas since, hence this post to more than likely overshare, and I am ready to get back to it. 
It was a tough 2 months ((feeling more like a whole year)) but I am not allowing that to break me. I had to feel what was going on. Be alive in the experience. Flow with the emotions. I am here. I am smiling. I am doing more than surviving. I am thriving and I hope you all are too!!! Remember, all rainstorms end and the sun will shine again!!! Love*and* Light to you!

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